Dear Michael Voltaggio, Las Vegas "Top Chef" Contestant and current LA resident,
I love you.
Even though I suspect that the playful rack of lamb dish you made in last night’s Elimination Challenge might be indicative that you enjoy the company of many ladies and I have no shot at winning your heart, I still yearn for your presence in my life (or more accurately, on my TV). Not only because I live by my stomach and know that I would eat well if you were in my kitchen, but also because you are very attractive and I enjoy looking at pretty things.
While I realize that our mutual love may not be meant to be (a mug like yours belongs next to a mug far fairer than mine), I am the reasonable sort (sometimes) and still only want the best for you.
In other words, I want you to beat all those other Season 6 "Top Chef" contestants, including your brother Bryan. (No offense to Bryan -- he does seem quite lovely, but he doesn't have any tattoos.)
Let’s begin the blood bath with Jennifer Carroll, the self-proclaimed “bitch in the kitchen,” whose vice is doing stupid things when she drinks lots of different types of alcohol. I know she works with Eric Ripert and has made men cry and looks like Amy Winehouse when shucking clams, but that “I want to win everything” nonsense is already wearing on me.
Then let’s move on to Mattin, the moderately cute French guy who I think is only there because he has an accent and everyone misses Fabio. Is that why the relay race challenge included clams? Were the producers hoping it might spur Mattin to go off on a rant about serving monkey asses in clam shells? Either way, he needs to pack his berets and go.
From there, I’d like you to make some mince meat pies out of Eli and Mike Isabella. While I did enjoy Eli’s “Bacon” shirt and his proclamation that he cooks because he likes to eat (I do too), I’m not really sure I trust his beady eyes. That self-described “fat kid” has got some passion in there that could be dangerous in later rounds. He and Mike, who seems to be the kindler, gentler male version of Jennifer (she haunted my dreams last night), need to be schooled sooner rather than later. Especially Mike because he tried to knock Pretti over in Whole Foods. Not cool, Mike, not cool.
I’d also really appreciate it if you could ex-nay Hector before he starts talking about his cajones again. The only balls I want to hear about in the kitchen are the edible kind – meatballs, risotto balls and maybe Sno-balls if it's for a vending machine challenge.
I’ll let you hold off on Ron Duprat, the Haitian guy who talks kind of slow, but only because he reminds me of a teddy bear and I have a guilt complex about preying on defenseless creatures with sob stories. Also, I’m not repulsed by Kevin Gillespie even though he has a crazy red beard, so you can let him be for now too. Plus, it was like majorly exciting when he beat Jennifer and Mike in the Elimination Challenge, because they both sooo thought they were going to win. I also hear that red heads feel pain more acutely than us fairer and darker follicled folks, so go easy on him for now. I know you’ll still come out ahead in the end.
As for the others – ie. the ones Wolfgang described as “turkeys,” don’t let your pretty head fret for a minor minute about them. Bravo always casts a few of those contestants like Eve from Michigan that make the audience wonder, “Why are they here?” It’s for contrast. Gotta have the head-scratchers to make the winners seem more, well, winning. They’ll be gone soon enough. Until that day comes, just be glad that they allow you to look all the more becoming in the GM kitchen lighting.
Hugs and Kisses,
Diana Takes A Bite, aka your biggest fan