Thursday, August 20, 2009

Top Chef Season 6, Episode 1: A Love Letter to Michael Voltaggio

Dear Michael Voltaggio, Las Vegas "Top Chef" Contestant and current LA resident,

I love you.

Even though I suspect that the playful rack of lamb dish you made in last night’s Elimination Challenge might be indicative that you enjoy the company of many ladies and I have no shot at winning your heart, I still yearn for your presence in my life (or more accurately, on my TV). Not only because I live by my stomach and know that I would eat well if you were in my kitchen, but also because you are very attractive and I enjoy looking at pretty things.

While I realize that our mutual love may not be meant to be (a mug like yours belongs next to a mug far fairer than mine), I am the reasonable sort (sometimes) and still only want the best for you.

In other words, I want you to beat all those other Season 6 "Top Chef" contestants, including your brother Bryan. (No offense to Bryan -- he does seem quite lovely, but he doesn't have any tattoos.)

Let’s begin the blood bath with Jennifer Carroll, the self-proclaimed “bitch in the kitchen,” whose vice is doing stupid things when she drinks lots of different types of alcohol. I know she works with Eric Ripert and has made men cry and looks like Amy Winehouse when shucking clams, but that “I want to win everything” nonsense is already wearing on me.

Then let’s move on to Mattin, the moderately cute French guy who I think is only there because he has an accent and everyone misses Fabio. Is that why the relay race challenge included clams? Were the producers hoping it might spur Mattin to go off on a rant about serving monkey asses in clam shells? Either way, he needs to pack his berets and go.

From there, I’d like you to make some mince meat pies out of Eli and Mike Isabella. While I did enjoy Eli’s “Bacon” shirt and his proclamation that he cooks because he likes to eat (I do too), I’m not really sure I trust his beady eyes. That self-described “fat kid” has got some passion in there that could be dangerous in later rounds. He and Mike, who seems to be the kindler, gentler male version of Jennifer (she haunted my dreams last night), need to be schooled sooner rather than later. Especially Mike because he tried to knock Pretti over in Whole Foods. Not cool, Mike, not cool.

I’d also really appreciate it if you could ex-nay Hector before he starts talking about his cajones again. The only balls I want to hear about in the kitchen are the edible kind – meatballs, risotto balls and maybe Sno-balls if it's for a vending machine challenge.

I’ll let you hold off on Ron Duprat, the Haitian guy who talks kind of slow, but only because he reminds me of a teddy bear and I have a guilt complex about preying on defenseless creatures with sob stories. Also, I’m not repulsed by Kevin Gillespie even though he has a crazy red beard, so you can let him be for now too. Plus, it was like majorly exciting when he beat Jennifer and Mike in the Elimination Challenge, because they both sooo thought they were going to win. I also hear that red heads feel pain more acutely than us fairer and darker follicled folks, so go easy on him for now. I know you’ll still come out ahead in the end.

As for the others – ie. the ones Wolfgang described as “turkeys,” don’t let your pretty head fret for a minor minute about them. Bravo always casts a few of those contestants like Eve from Michigan that make the audience wonder, “Why are they here?” It’s for contrast. Gotta have the head-scratchers to make the winners seem more, well, winning. They’ll be gone soon enough. Until that day comes, just be glad that they allow you to look all the more becoming in the GM kitchen lighting.

Hugs and Kisses,

Diana Takes A Bite, aka your biggest fan

20 comments:

Kirby! said...

This season looks pretty good!! And your analysis is pretty spot-on, but I disagree with you on two points:

1) I love Mattin's dapper little red neckerchief and soft voice! I think the accent probably helps... eh, sue me.

2) Jennifer scares me a little bit too, but I hopes she smokes the shiz out of Mike, because he is a pathetic chauvinist moron. I counted no less than 3 women-hatin' comments from him in the first half hour of the show (including when he was shocked that a woman shucked clams faster than him, and when he called Robin "one less old lady I have to worry about"). BLECH. I can't wait for Jennifer to make him cry sad little boy tears.

Esi said...

Ok, I so couldn't read all of your wrap up because I missed at least half of TC last night. I did see the end, but I don't really remember who anyone was. I will try and catch up this weekend!!

Jenn said...

Dang it! I forgot last night was the season premiere. Ack!! I gotta catch the rerun of it. From the way you described it, the season looks to be pretty promising. *Crossing fingers*

Gastronomer said...

Who has two thumbs and needs cable? This girl! Volt is a babe!

The Duo Dishes said...

Neither of us saw the show last night. Must tune in!

yutjangsah said...

I didn't watch but after your kickass wrapup, i don't need to. (but I wills) ohhh you best believe i will, even the glad and GE ads.

yutjangsah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
weezermonkey said...

I love this!

The Blonde Duck said...

I've never seen it.

Don't kill me.

Reeni♥ said...

I had to stop reading - I missed it! I'm hoping to catch a re-run. I'll be back to read after I see it or to play catch-up if I can't find a re-run.

Daily Gluttony said...

this post is, um...AWESOME!

yeah, mike volt is a babe although he has nothing on my all time fave babe sam talbot from season 2.

i think kevin is hiding secret weapons in that big red beard.

i do want hector to stay though because my husband was doing impersonations of his puerto rican accent all night and it cracked me up. haha

Lady Lisa said...

Well articulated review Diana. Having been several times to Eve's restaurant here in Ann Arbor though, I'm hoping she's been underestimated. She doesn't seem to appear in any of the future promo's. Given Bravo's history, that means she either makes it farther than anyone expects, or she gets kicked off next week. I'm rooting for the former! I am excited for this season's twists and turns, but having just wrapped up watching Top Chef Masters, I hope they focus a little more this season on the food and less on the drama.

Diana said...

Kirby – Haha, okay you win, Jennifer can stay around just long enough to make Mike cry into his clam shells.

Esi – Catch up soon so we can discuss over e-mail!

Jenn – I think it could be a good season – hopefully better than season 5!

Cathy – Aww, you aren’t alone in the dark ages – stupid Direct TV is being a butthead and I can’t record any of my shows! I have to watch them in… gasp… REAL TIME!

Sook – Sometimes the GE and Glad ads kind of amuse me. Gotta love the plugs.

Pam – Oh my gosh, don’t even get me started on Sam! I cried small tears when he got married. I’d be completely fine if he wanted to talk about his cajones a la Hector…

Lisa – I did feel sorry for Eve. I can only imagine how stressful it must be for them to come into that type of situation. Hopefully she does save some face in coming eps. Ariane certainly came around in Season 5!

Sarahbeth said...

I think now is a good time to let people know before they go any further that Michael Voltaggio is married and has two beautiful daughters...
Comments such as Diana Takes A Bite can be very hurtful to his children and wife.
By the way his wife is prettier than Penelope Cruise!!

deskins5 said...

thank you sarabeth! This poor girl has probably already braved the world outside her television set to find her own man,and found that didn't work well for her, or is so trashy she doesn't care about the fact he will be returning home to Kari and the girls. bravo to you!

deskins5 said...

thank you sarahbeth! It's about time someone spoke up to the trash in the world that is so desperate for a vitua-crush, they can't leave their tv's long enough to find a man of their own, or maybe she's tried and a tv persona is the best she can do? best of luck to you, Kari and girls!

Svetlana said...

Are you guys kidding? All she said was that she had a crush on Michael Voltaggio because he's cute. Your personal attacks are bizarre and unwarranted. You've never had a crush on someone you saw on tv? Never thought that George Clooney was hot? Give me a break. No one is trying to wreck any homes here, for God's sake.

lisap said...

Diana take a bite is awful -jennifer is the best chef there, she will kick not only Mike I butt but both V brothers Diana needs to get a life!

SinoSoul said...

You anon Blogger trolls need to get a gdamn life of your own. Whiny wenches.

That said, I wanna put a bun in the Nom Nom Truck Girls' oven. That's right, F their boyfriends.

And Govind Armstrong is WAY hotter than Michael Voltaggio.

Diirty Dish said...

Sarabeth...he's on tv people are going to think he's hot...get over it