Friday, December 26, 2014

The Dirt Behind My Worst Instagram Moments of the Year

There's a fairly good reason why platforms like Iconosquare don't offer to curate a video montage of one's worst Instagram moments of the year. Most people don't like to advertise their failures, particularly in a space that's supposed to only show the sanitized, shiny version of real life.

I mean how else are we supposed to shame our former high school frenemies who are eating ugly dinners while we eat caviar, and are fighting the crowds at Walmart while we're by the pool in Palm Springs, if not through social media?

Obviously, I'm not very good at this game because I have no qualms about telling people when I've just spilled wine all over my dress, burned my kitchen floor with a hot pan, or tripped over the sidewalk and fractured my finger. In many ways, I feel more comfortable airing details about my screw-ups than I do about my supposed successes.

So, of course, it would follow that the second I finished my "Best Moments of Instagram" post yesterday, I immediately regretted that I hadn't shared my "Worst Moments" instead. Clearly, this situation needed to be rectified with a counter post today.

Whether because of their content, photo quality, or my overexposed and chipped fingernails, these photos were the least liked of my year.  Which kind of makes me like them even more. #sorrynotsorrry #noreallynotsorry #seriouslynotsorry

#5 - Close-up of Green Juice from Whole Foods. (14 likes)
Caption: "Diana is feeling…"
I thought I was super clever with this one. It was New Year's Day, and I was, as my caption would suggest, feeling green after indulging in more Champagne than was necessary the night before. Maybe no one was paying attention to Instagram because they were also feeling, well, green, or maybe everyone was just appalled that I would dare post a picture of my unkempt fingernail still sporting the residual sparkly nail polish from a two-week-old manicure. Maybe let's go with the former?

#5 - Two Striped Black & White Dresses Hanging in a Nordstrom's Dressing Room. (14 likes)
Caption: Fetish
2014 was the year of the horizontal striped dress for me. I bought no fewer than seven, including both of these black & white numbers in an exercise of complete redundancy. Juxtaposed against the textured white and black wall of a Nordstrom dressing room, I thought I had a really compelling scene going on here. I mean, I didn't even need the Inkwell filter, guys! Or perhaps that's where I went wrong?

#4 - Windmills in the Distance Near Palm Springs. (13 likes)
Caption: Where am I, LA?
I snapped this shot during the home stretch of a six-hour car ride back from Phoenix with my parents over Thanksgiving weekend. At this juncture in the trip, I'd already read all four of my magazines, nearly expired the battery on my iPod shuffle, and was reaching the point of AREWETHEREYET WHYARENTWETHEREYET, SERIOUSLYWEARENTHEREYET?! I should have just posted another shot like….


#3 - Iced Tea from Seventh Tea Bar at the OC Mix. (11 likes)
Caption: Matches to a…tea.
Again, I thought I was supes clever with the caption here. I mean c'mon people, "Matches to a… tea"?! Clearly, I totally underestimated the interest level in cups of things that are not alcohol (yet again). Does it make it more interesting if I tell you I drank this after getting my taxes done? No?

#2 - Manhattan Cocktail and Glass of Champagne at Acabar. (11 likes)
Caption: Raising two glasses for this occasion… Happy Birthday, @kristasimmons!!!!
So, my whole logic that people like pictures of alcohol better than not alcohol goes completely out the window here, because… TIE GAME. I thought this shot was super artistic at the time with the candlelight shining through my cocktail glass, but I was also three deep by this juncture in the evening, so it's possible my judgement was... um... altered? Regardless, no regrets, people. None at all. And I still wish Krista Simmons a "Happy Birthday." 

#1 - Northwestern (NU) Reunion in San Diego Commemorated with Picture of our Feet in the Sand. (10 likes)
Caption: I (purple heart emoji) my college friends.
Solid proof that nobody cares where you went to school after you graduate. Also, feet are really really ugly, and no one should "heart" anything past the age of 12. (Unless, of course, you are double-tapping an Instagram photo. Like, um, this one. Cough. Cough. Help a girl out?)

1 comment:

Gastronomer said...

Loved this post! You crack me up, D!